woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
