I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
