My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Randomize
