I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
