remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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