Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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