I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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