it hurts more in the daytime
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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