Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
