you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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