Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
