i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
