not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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