I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
