'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Who died my cat blue again?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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