people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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