Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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