now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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