i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
