Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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