Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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