A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
