I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
