Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
