there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
