I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
