WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
