I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
We have started to decorate penises.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
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