I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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