If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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