Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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