i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
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