he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My penis needs a shock collar
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The air taste purple.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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