I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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