Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
