Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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