Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize