I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize