it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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