he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
