I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
