ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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