My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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