im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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