You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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