I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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