my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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