Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
