I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
