I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
