I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
