drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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