i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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