I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize