after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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