**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
