I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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