I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
